A kink is a non-conventional sexual behaviour or practice, preference or fantasy, such as group sex and swinging, anal play, and furry or medical role-play.
A fetish is a sexual interest in an object or body part.
BDSM is an umbrella acronym for specific non-conventional practices that are considered taboo by society. Simply, BDSM is Bondage, Discipline, Sadism-masochism and Domination/submission (D/s):
- Bondage means any type of restraint – usually physical but can also be mental.
- Discipline means a rule and punishment system, usually within a power dynamic.
- Sadism means deriving pleasure, often sexual arousal, from the pain and suffering of others.
- Masochism means deriving pleasure, often sexual arousal, from the pain and suffering of oneself.
- Domination and submission, or D/s, are also a part of the acronym. D/s describes a power dynamic between a Dominant and a submissive. This power dynamic is often explored within a relationship, but not always.
However, it is important to realise that over the years BDSM has become a lot more than just the words used for the acronym.
NOTE: Notice how there is no mention of sex in BDSM? That is because BDSM isn’t about sex. Yes, a lot of people incorporate sex into BDSM play, but that is by personal choice.
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Kink has now become mainstream. Ask anyone on Tinder and they have a general idea of what being kinky means. The problem is, many think Kink is BDSM – yes, Kink and BDSM often overlap, but they are not the same thing.
I find people are getting confused about the difference between Kink and BDSM because there is a lot of misinformation out there. Plus, BDSM has traditionally been a tight-lipped scene, so there is simply not enough official or recognised sources, and there are just too many ‘sex influencers’ that have no clue about BDSM. Also, not only do media sources get it wrong, but academia. The definition for BDSM in the Merriam-Webster dictionary is : * sexual activity * involving such practices as the use of physical restraints, the granting and relinquishing of control, and the infliction of pain. And I saw one sexologist say that “BDSM is about power exchange” on her educational website.
Um… no. Basically, Kink is about sex. BDSM is about *arousal*. Let me explain…
The objectives of Kink and BDSM are different. Kink is about non-normative sex. The goal is sexual activity that is unconventional, and may include BDSM practices. However, BDSM is activity focused on stimulation – to excite, pique, provoke, and quicken. The goal is to explore the human spectrum of arousal largely through a power exchange, but not always. There is both emotional and physical arousal in BDSM. The emotional includes, but is not limited to, fear, stress, anger, passion, shame, relief, sadness and joy. The physical includes, but is not limited to, pain, pleasure, discomfort, numbness, restriction and lightness. People often combine sexual activity with their BDSM, but that is by choice, not requirement. In fact, BDSM does not need a sexual element in order to exist.
So, why would someone just want stimulation without sex, especially something that negatively impacts?
Well, firstly, negative feelings are not bad, and they even have an element of pleasure, just like loving someone so much it hurts, or having a deep, painful massage to stimulate and revitalise a muscle. Secondly, because they are a BDSMer, not a Kinkster.
BDSM is for people who want to experience their human condition – consciousness – and they are not afraid to go to very dark places, places that can be painful and challenging, but will awaken the soul to a unique human existence. For example, a person might have a desire to experience extreme fear – it could make them feel alive and grateful, perhaps free and light. Now instead of dangling off a cliff (that could put their life at risk), a person can experience fear in a BDSM context – through designed action and a controlled environment with a person who cares and protects them. BDSM scenarios are mostly a setup, yes, but the emotions, the sensations and the connections can be very real.
You can obviously tell I am very passionate about BDSM…haha!
So, Kink is not BDSM and BDSM is not Kink. The difference is important to someone like me because I’m not looking for sex necessarily. (Yes, I’m a nymph and a sadist, which complicates this discussion…lol), but I am really looking to experience raw and deep human consciousness – emotions, sensations and connections. And because BDSM isn’t necessarily about sex, you can experience it with anyone, not just sexual partners, but friends, play partners and strangers.
So, when a person comes to me asking to do BDSM, but all they are really looking for is a happy ending, I know they are not into BDSM, just kinky sex. And, do I really want to be with someone who just wants to get off?