I get a lot of guys wanting to be humiliated but they don’t know what the fuck they are asking from me. I’m a sadist, I want to destroy you. That means I will humiliate you beyond your comfort zone. I do it to take our dynamic to the edge and so you can practice holding onto your dignity with all you’ve got.
To define (as many don’t understand the differences):
• Embarrassment makes you feel uneasy and self-conscious for a moment. You can laugh it off.
• Humiliation impacts your pride. You feel hurt and shame. You fight against it.
• Degradation impacts your value as a human being. You feel inferior, defeated and powerless. You give up.
Clichés
Most of the humiliation you see in BDSM is cliché. Name calling, face slapping, pissing on, etc. Thanks to Porn-Domme, they have become a standard expectation of many subs of their Dominants. It’s to the point where if you don’t do these things, you’re not a ‘real’ Domme. It’s all bullshit.
BDSM, especially D/s, is about meaning and symbolism, rituals and ceremonies, desire and motive, about story. There are reasons why we do things; it’s constructed cause and effect to generate a particular outcome. The problem with porn using BDSM is that it strips all the meaning and motive back to just physical action. Porn devalues the essence of BDSM practice, and D/s and dynamic. Now every Tinder boy thinks he’s being cool slapping ass and every Bumble girl thinks she’s sassy spitting. The actions mean nothing, yet, they are supposed to be deep-seated and meaningful elements to create dynamic.
Stuck with Clichés
Most people are scared to create BDSM humiliation out of the box. This is largely because playing with a person’s emotions in a negative way can be very dangerous. It might not impact the person during a session, but it could a week later and last for years. In BDSM we have a saying: Hurt, don’t harm. Hurting someone means that they can overcome it quickly and healthily. Harming someone is an injury that takes time to heal but can recur throughout someone’s life. So ironically, it is a very good thing that most aren’t trying to experiment and create in this area, but it also means that by not innovating, and sharing, we are stuck with the clichés.
So what has happened, just like Worship, Humiliation has turned into a genre of play that has stereotypical practices. I get so many men telling me that they are into Humiliation, but they are not. They are only into name calling, face slapping and being pissed on. Why? Because it makes them horny and makes them feel like they are being dominated. But with a Domme like me who was ‘created’ before Twitter and the insta-Domme craze, they suddenly realise that humiliation is a whole different ballgame.
For Me
Logically, if a sub wants to be spat on, how is that humiliation? It’s not. I always get guys at clubs on their knees holding their mouths open like baby chicks hoping I will spit in them. If you want it, if it arouses you, it is likely NOT the humiliation that is doing it, but the act of spitting – being spat upon and tasting someone else’s saliva is erotic. Humiliation only works if you don’t want it, it is forced upon you and emotionally hurts you.
Once I had a hardcore degradation sub, and I would piss all in his deprivation suit so he had to lay in my piss for a while. He would take it and thank me for it, pretending he didn’t like it. But do you think I could ever use a clean menstrual pad over his eyes as a blindfold? No. Apparently a pad was too humiliating for him. He wouldn’t allow himself to be humiliated like that. So, he was actually only into piss play, NOT humiliation.
I’m an Absolute Domme, which means I’m in control of all play. Subs who approach me think they can pick their humiliation. No. They will always pick things that turn them on or are stereotypical to Femdom. That is not humiliation. Firstly, I will humiliate them the way I want to, and secondly, I will humiliate them the proper way – in the way it affects their pride, were they feel hurt or shame, and have to fight against their feelings to overcome them to maintain our dynamic and sustain the scene. Yes, there is a huge chance they will wimp out of the humiliation – that’s the risk I take, because it’s fucking scary and hard to face your inadequacies – but those who overcome the humiliation in turn will win my admiration. As a sadist, I want them to hurt and feel emotional pain, but as a Domme, I want them to rise above their insecurities and demonstrate the strength of their dignity. Humiliation is a character-building practice, and a tool to develop our dynamic and relationship further.
I use Situational Humiliation (based on circumstances) not Imposed Humiliation (such as name calling). I might create a situation that humiliates my sub, or in a scene, if something accidentally occurs, I go with it.
An example: one time I had a sub lying on the floor. The way he was positioned made his lower-back suction to the flooring under him so when he got up, the pull of his skin made a farting sound. He was a little embarrassed, but we laughed. Before he could get up, I pushed him back down with my feet to lay flat again. I tickled his sides, which made him wiggle and ‘fart’ again. I laughed. Over and over I pushed him back down to make him ‘fart’. Now his embarrassment had turned into humiliation.
Another example: I gave a little dildo that suctioned to the floor to my sub, and told him to fuck himself while naked in the sexiest way he could to turn me on. Now, the dildo was too small and low to the ground to get in a proper position, and his weightlifter muscles were not flexible enough and getting in the way. So, he clumsily struggled to fuck himself while I watched, I didn’t allow him to stop – he knew he was failing dismally. I could feel the humiliation tension in the air. He was not having a good time, feeling awkward and shame as I watched on, saying nothing, and not allowing him the dignity to stop, but he was trying his best to please me anyway.
Both situations were risky. Each sub could have become disheartened and said ‘Red’ to stop because they emotionally couldn’t handle it. But they didn’t. I was relying on the self-esteem and personal dignity of my subs to carry them through, and their trust in me. They didn’t know there was method to my madness at the time – I wanted to see their character, to test it, to build it. Would they wimp out? Would the humiliation be too much for them? Or would they let go, trust me, and gracefully continue until I was satisfied? As it turned out, they both did what I wanted, no matter their humiliation.
After such an experience, there is usually an emotional distance between you and your sub. So, I went to work to restore the good feeling between us and in the scene. There is always a point when a Dominant needs to take over to ‘save’ the moment and the dynamic. This is part of the trust a sub has in me. Then I continue with the care needed, even after everyone has gone home.
Why did I risk humiliating my subs in the first place? Because the lessons learned and the dynamic created from going through such an experience of humiliation together is important in building the strong D/s relationship I desire. If we can get past such things, we can go so much further.