The Age Old Question: Why can’t I keep a sub around longer than six months?

I have Domina friends in different countries who get frustrated because they can’t keep a sub longer than six months. At the beginning, the sub is all in, then he starts to slacken off, then he starts to retreat, and eventually disappears. I share the main reason why from my experiences and observations:

A lot of men think that Dominas are emotionally unavailable. It is the image that is portrayed on Social Media, that we are cold-hearted, disassociated and indifferent to men and love. That couldn’t be further from the truth. But because of this perception, a lot of men are attracted to Dominant Women. Why? Because an emotionally unavailable woman makes them feel safe. It means the men don’t have to face themselves, deal with their issues, their inadequacies, their failures. The Domina just won’t care enough to know anything about him. With the focus all on the Dominant, it means he gets to hide who he is from Her, but also from himself.

But… in reality, Dominant Women are not emotionally unavailable. They are emotionally intelligent. So, when they start the work to open up their submissive, to get down to his inner most fears and desires and qualities, he starts to freak out. He feels uncomfortable, vulnerable, seen… and it’s terrifying for him. This is not what he signed up for. So he moves on, hoping to find a Dominant Woman who matches the stereotype of being emotionally unavailable.

(To be clear, I’m not talking about a Domme trying to find a boyfriend or husband in a sub. If you are doing this, this is likely the main reason why men are disappearing on you).

Essentially, men have two misconceptions making him perform these disappearing acts:

• They think BDSM is about escaping who he is, checking out, and enjoying the ride, when in fact, it is quite the opposite. BDSM is about doing the hard work to live up to a Domme’s expectations, and about the sub facing their fears and inadequacies head-on. It’s a soul searching, destroying and rebuilding endeavour. Submission isn’t about surrendering your intelligence or energy, but your will. It means taking on the will of your Dominant as your own. It is about becoming what She wants. That means a sub will be put to work, especially on himself, to eventually become the submissive She deserves and desires.
• That a D/s relationship is a series of kinky booty calls with no real investment and no emotional attachment to their Dominant. But in fact, it is also quite the opposite. Because of the experiences shared, a D/s draws a Dominant and a submissive closer than what vanilla relationships can. I have a saying: Husbands may come and go, but a submissive is for life. And these men are not prepared for that.

However, to this day, the problem still remains for my friends getting into D/s relationships with these men: they pike out after six months. How does one stop this pattern…?

1. By choosing wisely

We know that the men with the desperate puppy-energy will burn out quickly. They are of the ‘I want, I want, I want’ and ‘I will, I will, I will’ club. Promises are only valuable after a trial of faith. If a man has not already demonstrated that he can live up to his promises, then don’t ever believe him. So, choose men who have already done the work to have a clear understanding of what BDSM and D/s is. If they are new and you feel they have potential, have big conversations with them to educate and adjust their perceptions and expectations before you make a commitment to them.

2. Destroying fantasies and expectations

Men first come with all these fantasies in their head of what it’s going to be like to finally have a Domina. Destroy them. Make him have a reality check. Yes, you are certainly capable of fulfilling his fantasies, but make him know he is not worthy of them, not just yet. Don’t give him what he wants for at least the first month. It quickly sorts out the wheat from the tares. In fact, I don’t give them My full Domination until after three months of vetting. But also, it is about Our expectations. Too often we have high expectations from the start, and because of this, we tend to get disappointed quickly. Instead, have no expectations of a man, but then build them as the sub proves himself to You. I play with a man expecting him not to be worth much of a sub and that I will throw him away. I always make sure My designs and desires are being fulfilled, so yes, I use them. I tell them that I will be using them, of course, to get consent. Then, if the man ’sticks’, I might play with him again, only fulfilling My desires, and so on and so on. If he is still sticking, eventually, I would start to include some of his desires, if I was a Relative Domme. As an Absolute Domme, I still focus on My desires but I increase the intensity, the dynamic and My investment. By doing it this way, I am training him that My desires and will come first, I’m putting him in his place, and I’m testing him to see if he has the right substance – a true desire to serve Me – rather than self gratification.

3. Creating a session that will end all sessions

Before I get too involved with a sub, I like to create a scene or have a session that could potentially destroy our dynamic and connection. I will always uphold limits and boundaries, but I will essentially do something that I know the sub will not like and find very challenging. The light and beauty of BDSM is that it can take us to dark and ugly places. I want to see if the sub has the grit and courage to deal with it or if he will wimp out. I want to see if he has the ability to overcome his insecurities for Me. I want to see if what we have is more valuable to him or if he is only in it for himself – will he do the emotional work needed with Me to restore us and our dynamic, or will he give up?* I prep him, of course, telling him I might be introducing an element that he doesn’t like or that will challenge him. I don’t want to trick him, and when men are armed with knowledge they often can exceed expectations. So, I throw them a lifeline before we start, especially to see if he has taken on board what I have told him when we get up to the difficult part.

Yes, this means essentially, I am willing to let the sub go no matter how much I want him or feel for him. I don’t let my affection for him get in the way of My Domination. There is both fear and freedom in that. I hope that he will overcome the emotional challenges I make him go through, but I also need him to overcome them because of what else I will bring into our D/s journey in later stages. It is no picnic being with Me. I am seriously a Sadist, but I also enjoy extreme Power, creating psychological trials and tribulations that will challenge a man’s humanity. Why do I take us to the edge of destruction? I delight in creating knights and gladiators and superheroes, of course. For Me to deeply commit to someone, I need to admire them – their honour, their integrity, their dignity, but most of all, their courage.

Conclusion

As a Dominant Woman, you’re the architect of your D/s relationship. You not only get to deicide, but to create, whatever relationship you want. Leaving everything up to chance is being a slave to the universe. Instead, be the Power you need in your life and relationships. That’s not to say to reject what life brings, but use serendipity, coincidences and opportunities, and even disappointments and failures, to your advantage. Breaking the pattern of the sixth-month-sub is in your control. Study yourself and your process, and find the points where you lose control. Decide how to change it so when you get to that point, you’ll know how to take action rather than being subject to the situation… and your sub.

*This is why I fucking love BDSM and D/s. In vanilla relationships, you do all that you can to avoid challenging the relationship – you are scared for it to be destroyed and so ignore or run away from things that could potentially impact or break it. This means it takes decades to go through the hardships, self sacrificing, giving and growth needed to have a successful and fulfilling relationship. But in BDSM, I am the architect of our D/s relationship. I don’t wait for chance to shape us – I exercise My Power to create. I am the one who designs and manages our challenges, to make us go through trials and tribulations in an intelligent and progressive way for us to develop a deep and fulfilling connection. I am the one who chooses what we go through and how we go through it to have a relationship that will be soul defining.