I started writing this as a response to a question asked on a Femdom group about how a sub can attract a Domme. I’ve realised a lot of my points are in direct conflict with the protocols and etiquettes of the Pro-Domme Industry. The pomp and ceremony that might ‘titillate’* a Pro-Domme just doesn’t cut it with everyday Dommes. What’s more, the goals of a Pro-Domme and a Lifestyle Domme are almost in opposition. So, I think a lot of submissives miss their mark because they are approaching a Lifestyle Domme as if she is Pro.
So, here are some of the main points to the question: Why can’t I find a (Lifestyle) Domme?
You’re stuck in the fantasy
You have seen so much BDSM porn online that you have an obscure idea of what a Mistress is and does. Porn mostly demonstrates a male fantasy. That is not Femdom. You have no concept of a real D/s relationship and therefore get disappointed when a Mistress isn’t a full-blown porn Domme.
You expect a Domme to always dom
You think the Mistresses you contact should dom you straight off the bat. A Domme does not exist for you – she is her own entity with her own agenda. Talking to or treating her like your Mistress does not make you her sub. Likewise, never expect a Mistress to dom you like her sub when there is no prior agreement that you are. What’s more, so much energy – mental, physical and emotional – goes into domming. It can be exhausting, and a Mistress needs downtime. She may be a naturally dominant woman, but she should not be expected to be in Domme-mode 24/7.
You think blind submission is enough
You cannot submit to a Mistress on your own. Submission is a gift – yes – but for a gift to be realised, effectual, successful, there must be a giver and a receiver. You may give yourself to her all you want but your submission is never complete without the Mistress accepting you. Don’t presume she will, no matter how much you are willing to give. A Mistress knows that true receiving requires her vulnerability, commitment and responsibility – a promise, and those aren’t made lightly. On your first contact, you submitting to her is valueless if she doesn’t know your worth.
You forget that a Mistress is human
You only care about her superpowers and if she uses them on you. Goddess, Queen, Empress… whatever her title, a Domme is first human, and many of them will want to connect on a human level first. Dommes who take their role seriously, who are not just in it for the game/money, seek connection. Without connection, the heights of Femdom can never be reached. You just don’t want her to be human because it means she will expect you to be human too.
You forget that a Mistress is unique
You place a Mistress so high above yourself that you cannot see her. Her beauty, power and intelligence is all configured in your mind and therefore you don’t experience her true majesty – her. You are so caught up in the mystique that you miss out on the woman. You are blind to her uniqueness because you don’t want her, you just want a Mistress.
You’re a Controller or Dominant in disguise
You have all these expectations for how your relationship should be with your Mistress, you forget that she is the one you surrender to. You have micro-planned everything down to what she should wear and how she should dominate you, expecting her to comply. Or, really, you are a dominant who wants submissive sexual acts without truly being submissive. You want pegging and bondage, feminisation and humiliation without giving up control. Instead, you try to dictate, insulting her dominance. You need to rethink who you are in the grand scheme of things so you don’t become frustrated with Lifestyle Dommes not wanting to service your needs. Dommes can smell a pretender a mile away.
You don’t pass
From the very first moment of contact you are being tested. We all know of the Dommes who are quite forward with menial things such as grammar, or they put hidden cookies at the bottom of their profile as a gateway to a dialogue with them. However, quite often during conversation you will be given a task, which you might not realise because rather than an all-powerful command, she gently asks. This might seem unfair – being expected to jump through hoops for a person you are not officially committed to but real intent, seriousness and willingness to learn are huge qualities that Dommes want. Most tests are non-intrusive and are simply about passing a checklist: courtesy, care, intelligence, consistency, integrity…
You are too eager
You are a puppy so excited you are piddling all over your Mistress’ favourite heels. Ploughing full-steam, projecting all your pent up submissive desires onto a Mistress shows desperation and immaturity. A Mistress knows you will get burnt out eventually in a week or two. Self control is an admirable quality, something that a lot of Dommes value, yes, especially in subs. It takes time to invest in a relationship – fast is usually fleeting, but when a relationship has time to rest, thoughtfulness and saneness become the mortar between the desires.
You are a defeatist
On the very first contact you already admit defeat with something similar to “you can contact me back, or not, whatever”. It is obvious that you have lost your spark because you have not been successful in your search for a while. Feelings of anger, inadequacy and self loathing get written into your PM and is felt clearly by a Domme. You can never attract a Domme via pity. She has two choices: to ignore you so she won’t get dragged into your little painfest, or reply just to be nice but risking her inbox being violated by your expectations. And for those of you who are just timid or introverted… Make sure your beautiful shyness does not come off as defeatist!
You contact the wrong type of Domme
There is a reason why types of Dommes have developed – Mommy, Dominatrix, Nurse, Gentle Domme, Findomme, Goddess/Queen, Amazon, etc. They are not to box Dommes into a stereotype but are used as a quick reference to domination style. If you are looking for someone who will coddle you, there is no point in contacting a Dominatrix or Amazon. But, with that said, I do want to add that there are two conflicting domming philosophies. The first is that a Domme has a particular domming style and will not deviate from it no matter the submissive. They tend to look for the right submissive to match her domming qualities. The other, the Domme allows the relationship with her submissive to curve her domming style.
You’re just looking for a quick fix
You are not interested in building a D/s relationship, you just want a singular or short term Femdom experience. Apart from Pro-Dommes, most serious Dommes are looking for a long term relationship, not necessarily romantic, but something that they can build upon. It is because they want to progress. Living a Groundhog’s day is fun, but it doesn’t elicit the deep personal growth that many Dommes seek. So, it is typical for Dommes to keep you on the sidelines until you’ve earnt your place on the team – most never make it, they just don’t have the right stuff, the humility, determination…
everything is relative to the individual Domme. The above are just generalisations, and even I don’t fit with some. For example, I don’t mind fast and furious experiences, in fact, I want them. Right now I’m not interested in finding a life long relationship. (But really, you don’t find them by looking, anyway. 😉 ) I don’t have pass or fail checklists for new contacts. I don’t mind bad grammar or spelling as I appreciate that English might be someone’s second or third language. I don’t like pushy subs. Period. Ignorant? Well, I’m a little more forgiving – I don’t get upset when someone calls me Mistress when I have written in my profile to call me Miss.
Because there are so many different ways to approach a Domme, it can be confusing for subs to know how. I get that. I’m very easy going, but some Dommes are wound up tighter me, and that’s ok too. The best advice is to approach each Domme as a human being and ask how to proceed with contact. Though, I do tend to get a good laugh out of the “I’m not worthy” approach. But, being an Amazon, I never choose the weak and pathetic.
*Titillate – clarifying my ‘pomp and ceremony’ point: Yes, ‘titillation’, but in the minds of men/subs. I guess it echoes the Master/slave theory of Gothic literature – the Master does not exist without the slave. In application: It is the slave that thinks the Master delights in pomp and ceremony, but the slave is the one who demands it of the relationship in the first place to satisfy their own agenda/desires/fantasies.