Financial Domination (findom) is not something I have ever considered. The idea of demanding money from a person appals me. Unlike many Dommes and Dominatrices, I am not a materialistic girl and I revel in that fact. Being bound by material things is a form of slavery, and I am above that. But when a finsub sort me out and proposed a FinD/s relationship I was intrigued, firstly by my fear of it, and secondly, by his need for it. A girl who’s superpower is to face her fears, I’ve decided to walk into the lion’s den.
My quest to understand the finsub’s need and find out the pitfalls of such a D/s relationship led me to ask for information on a public forum:
I’m a dominant woman but I have never considered being a Financial Domme – I’m just not that into money…lol. But, I’ve recently been approached by a sub who wants to ‘gift’ me. He said it would excite him if I inflict financial torture on him. I’m overwhelmed by it but so very, very curious. It would be a new type of domination to explore for me. I want to ask about your experiences of legit Financial Domination. I know there are many con artists out there, but I’m looking for real (legit) stories and experiences… advice, comments on different situations, set ups, etc… pitfalls, issues and things to be aware of.
Thanks in advance
Of course, the post led to a controlled outrage that I was even considering Financial Domination, and I sensed a subtextual jealousy among some, but it hasn’t deterred me. In fact, it has made me more adamant to explore Financial Domination in a true and healthy way. Perhaps if I could learn all the bad things about it, I would be able to control the FinD/s relationship in such a way for it to always be safe, sane and consensual. In fact, I see it as my duty as a Domme. (I have seen on some Pro-Domme websites that if a person wants to be their finsub all they need to do is start sending money or buy things. I find this highly irresponsible and lazy, especially coming from professionals. That is not safe or sane.)
I began researching… (There are not a lot of positive resources out there, hence my commitment to document my journey). Through online discussion, I was referred to two resources, which I’m graetful for:
But I have also been contacted by a few people who have real life experiences of Financial Domination, and I am very eager to learn from them.
To facilitate financial torture, it was proposed by the finsub to play a type on ongoing raising-the-stakes game. He would have both a safe word and an amber word to control his limits, yet, I would dictate everything else. His clarity and confidence made me feel secure about his proposal. And I continually remind him that I am a complete beginner at FinDom. He is completely aware, and that is why he has approached me. The main thing that made me feel as ease was that it is the D/s relationship that exercises domination, not the money. It is about the game we play – the gifting is the punishment, the torture for him but also his reward as he gets pleasure from it. It’s complicated, I know.
I’ve spent some time trying to wrap my head around financial torture. The way I see it, it is almost similar to how some subs want to be flogged – it makes them feel free or reach subspace. To some masochist subs flogging is a reward and they work towards it. Likewise, a cock cage seems like a punishment but it can often be a pleasure or achievement to some subs – So is financial torture. When finsubs make a financial commitment, arrangements, hand over their money, see it being used… they can reach a euphoria.
One of the points brought up in an online discussion was whether I was a true FinDomme or a “Financial Service Top”. I literally baulked at the later. Even though I have no intention of completely controlling the sub’s finances – access to his bank account (and I would never want this), telling him how to spend his money, and punishing him by making him donate large sums – I am in by no means controlled by the sub like a Financial Service Top would be. I am focused on the relationship, not the money. We have safety measures in place, and I am aware of his needs, yet, I lead the scenes/game to my will.
In a discussion, a concern that I brought up myself was “whether the feeling of being financially dominated is the same type of feeling gamblers get when they win or lose.” I am not a fan of obsessive or possessive behaviour. All too well do I know the gambler’s high, and addiction to the lows, having a father who was a compulsive gambler – some weeks we only ate potatoes every other day during my teen years. So, you might say I am hyper-aware of all addiction – I don’t even drink coffee. I will not allow any sub to become addicted to me in anyway. Addiction is ugly.
Upon getting to know the finsub more through honest discussions of desires and intentions, I’ve concluded that he is legit in his need, that he is in control of himself and not addicted, and that he is searching for a fulfilment. I don’t yet fully understand his need or the connection between financial torture and pleasure, but I plan to. And, I will always be monitoring the situation very closely to make sure he is getting when he needs out of the FinancialD/s relationship, and that he is always in a safe place.
The lure for me to this FinD/s relationship is to challenge myself. I don’t like money, and I’m a girl that makes her own way in the world. It’s in my nature not to be dependant on others for financial support, and I will not be using the finsub’s money than for anything other than frivolous things that can possibly be of value to him in return (such as floggers and canes, as he is also into corporal punishment). Part of the allure of this relationship for me is to challenge my own character. So far I’ve practice abstinence – I haven’t let anyone give me money, period. But, rather than just staying away from the beast altogether, I want to walk into the lion’s den and prove to myself that I am strong enough to own my fears and make friends with the beast. I’d never want to be dependant on another person’s money – I see that as being weak, subject, or worse, owned. My happiness and survival is not being bound to anyone. So, not only do I need to watch out for the sub, I need to be very careful of myself, to monitor my own journey very closely to make sure I am developing in the way I want and not falling into a trap.
Because of this, I think the finsub has chosen wisely – he wanted someone who is not a professional and someone who would ultimately look after his wellbeing. He has surely found me… I always choose truth, my focus on the relationship rather than the money is healthy and I am mentally equipped for the dangers of such a D/s relationship. But, only practice will tell.