Let’s Get Real About How It Works

Being a Domme isn’t an act, I don’t play at it, I don’t summon a character for a perforamce like an actor does for stage. Being a Domme is an organic, ever-changing part of me. It is a countenance, a disposition, a feeling, and a feature of my sexuality. It’s personal. It is something I share with those I connect with but if I’m not feeling it, or the person, it’s just not going to happen.

There are some who expect me to be like the pro-Dommes in porn – domineering Dommes, the ones that remind me of condescending mothers embarrassing their kids in the shopping centre. There are many facets to my dominance, but domineering is not one of them. I’d say the two main features of my dominance are playfulness and elegance (but you’ll have to ask the subs I play with to confirm). Being a tomboy I can get feisty, and love to challenge – a wild child dominance, but being a dancer I can be subtle and sneaky – a femme fatale. They are complete opposites, which creates an eccentric mix of dominant dynamics. Of course, the degree of each facet depends on the chemistry I have with a sub. I am affected by his disposition. If he is a reserved man, reflective, he calms me down. If he is energetic and adventurous, he riles me up. That’s not to say I’m not my own person. I am just one of the lucky ones who adapt naturally. It means I’m compatible with more people. Though, there are some things that will never change, such as: I use encouraging whispers and silence rather than filling ear-space with scornful prattle.

I have many play sessions with lots of different people, but in truth, for most I just end up being a like-minded kinkster – a Top – even though I’m the designated Domme for the session. Only to some do I become the true Domme I am. For me to reach a state of true dominance there needs to be something between us. It’s our dynamic and chemistry that activates my dominance. It’s about desiring the person – each other – physically yes, but also intellectually and emotionally (and in no way does it need to be completely). So, I don’t just switch on because a sub is near, my dominance needs to be aroused to come forth. I’m only a Domme for those people who entice my dominance out through our connection, those people who make me want them, to beautifully ruin them, to strive for their surrender.

There is a Viking proverb (that I’ve feminised here):

“In every woman there is a queen. Speak to the queen, and the queen will come forth.”

If a man speaks to me – resonates with me and arouses my dominance – my Domme will come forth.

Now you can understand the power of a sub.

Ironically, domination isn’t about control for me. It’s about investing. When I desire a man, I want to be active in our connection. I get excited about his mind and his body, to discover his unique sexuality, to be able to create extreme pleasure for him, and that in turn fulfils me in incredible ways. I want to know what a pear tastes like to him*. I want to be the one he trusts, the one he wants to totally surrender to (even if it is just for two hours). Those wants naturally drive me to be the Domme he needs.

There are so many Don’t examples, all boring, so I’m going to give you a Do example:

There was a boy who cold contacted me. He didn’t rattle off a list of things he wanted in a Domme or experiences he wanted to try. He simply said he was interested in me and exploring some of my kinks, and he was upfront about his inexperience. He wrote in such a way that he was honest and confident. Most importantly, he didn’t perform as a sub. He was real.

Through out our message conversation, he was direct and open, and though nervous, he was never insecure. He spoke to me like a person, not a slave grovelling at my feet. He didn’t try to stroke my ego with flowery worship. The best thing, he never attempted to get anything out of me. The most common premature question I get asked, that makes me shut off, is “What would you do to me?” Automatically, I know they are looking for a service Domme. What this boy did instead was ask me what I expected of him and if there was anything I needed him to do or tell about himself. Everything he said and did made redundant my impulse to protect myself. I felt free with him… and that is the true essence of a D/s relationship.

It wasn’t long before we were chatting on kik and somehow we naturally fell into place because… he had no expectations. He didn’t ask for tasks or chastity or JOI, all he wanted was for me to enjoy myself with him, (he literally said so). He allowed me to naturally be aroused by him – I got to discover his body and his mind in my own way. Smart boy, because I found myself wanting to do things to him for my erotic pleasure, not for the thrill of it – (a big difference – sexual excitement as opposed to getting a high from the power) – the former I normally withhold until he is the exception. Everything I asked of him he did for me – (not for his own gratification) – leaving his pleasure in my hands. He is a true submissive, a pure delight – a diamond in the rough. It means we have experienced the real synergy of a D/s relationship, even before we have met. But soon, very, very soon, we will be in the same city, in the same hotel room and in the same eroticasy.