Insights from an Ex-Finsub

When I was researching the world of Financial Domination, as I was considering a finsub’s offer to explore his fetish, an ex-finsub, Joe, got in touch and was very generous to share his journey with me.

Joe, himself, had become addicted to Financial Domination. Eventually, he overcame it by extensive and expensive treatment with a professional addiction therapist. I saw this contact as a great opportunity to gain insight from the other side, to learn how a finsub thinks and why he needs Financial Domination. I was especially interested to learn about the pitfalls of a Findom relationship, so with my own adventure I would be able to spot and avoid them, or at least control them so they wouldn’t become destructive.

From Joe’s own experience, he shared with me the following:

• Financial domination is extremely addictive: From both sides. Co-dependency can build up very fast, and the subsequent “crash-and-burn” of the relationship as, inevitably, one of you gets put off, can be ugly: Because in order to break the relationship, you end up having to demonize the other person in order to free yourself from them.

• It is, indeed, similar to gambling addiction: This is more of an issue, surprisingly, with the D than the s. But for both parties, escalation of the “stakes” is inevitable, as the thrill dulls. But this is also true of most addictions (alcohol, extreme sports, class A drugs, etc), and isn’t a unique feature of findom.

• You mentioned “fantasy fulfilment”: This is a hard one to gauge: Findom easily and quickly mutates into a lifestyle: This is because financial transactions, which form the basis of findom, are so universal in all walks of life. A finsub’s fetish is constantly being stimulated in ordinary life: From tipping a waitress to impulse-buying the latest iPhone: And the findom is constantly bombarded, as we all are, with enticements to raise their self-esteem through retail therapy: Many findoms are shopaholics (and gamblers too).

• The findom dynamic is a distortion of a basic (though you might call it sexist and outdated) male/female dynamic: Men use money/power to get women, while women use men to get power/money. Whatever your opinion on this, the problem is that no amount of wealth can make a man actually feel attractive, and no amount of money will make a woman feel truly strong – so there is no fulfilment here – just an endless attempt to raise self-esteem.

• It doesn’t involve physical contact, and can be carried on at a distance, or online, which makes it convenient and easy to maintain (sometimes too easy: I was WhatsApped by a Findom at all hours of the day or night for a while!) – and is therefore something, in principle, that doesn’t demand too much of a change of lifestyle. But of course that carries a danger too, because it’s just so easy to get started on.

 

Joe also gave my some personal advice on how to maintain a healthy Findom relationship:

• It’s nice to give, and nice to receive: If I buy you flowers, or even treat you to a meal, or a vacation, or a car, I get pleasure, and so do you. Gifting is, when not compulsive, a healthy part of a relationship. If you (as the D) can avoid crossing the line between accepting generosity and abusing it, everyone’s a winner.