I’ve always wondered if Dom/mes could experience their version of sub space. It is completely logical, of course, that they could zone into an altered state of vulnerability during a scene, but I’m not sure Doms would want to admit it. Hence my search on Fetlife for the existence of Dom space has been in vain. There are presentations of it on the net but I was more interested in discussions to get a thematic view rather than one.
The whole idea of Dom space – losing control of your sense of self, or maybe having a heightened reality of self – seems to be in conflict of what a Dom is supposed to represent. A Dom is supposed to be in control of themselves, they are supposed to maintain power and authority, they are supposed to monitor scenes at all times to ensure a safe and sound experience for themselves and their sub. There is no room to succumb to an experience… or is there?
Firstly, it could be seen that a Dom losing themselves to an experience makes them vulnerable, which some think opposes a Dom’s nature. However, through my research, I’ve seen that a Dom’s vulnerability is almost essential for a deep and healthy D/s relationship. A Dom being vulnerable gives their sub the opportunity to fulfil their commitment on a heightened level. Subs want to be what their Dom needs, and if their Dom needs comfort, they become a comfort. It is a perfect dynamic when a sub needs to be what their Dom needs them to be.
Secondly, it is likely seen as irresponsible for a Dom to allow themselves to go into Dom space. Safety must be on a Dom’s mind all the times, the care of their sub and the design of a scene… How can they keep on top of these when they are losing themselves to the moment? Is it reckless or even selfish to do so? It is a no-brainer that the parameters of a situation should always be an active responsibility of a Dom, but logic has it that if all is being attended to, taken care of, then Dom space can be appropriate.
For the last few days I have been searching for information to help me clarify an experience I had recently. Nothing I’ve discovered so far seems to satisfy, so I thought to share my experience in hopes it will elicit an open dialogue about Dom space.
The day was bright and warm, and I would almost think it Australian if it wasn’t for the Norwegian nuances carrying on the wind. I was with my sub, playing in nature, when we had a moment of stillness. He was using the phone camera to perv on himself while my fists were buried in his ass. I was listening to the chatty geese in the field below, feeling the breeze cool my sun-kissed skin. My hands felt cozy, snug, almost secure. A peace crept into my bones. It’s strange to know that what is usually taboo to most, is completely natural and fulfilling to you. We seemed to have been in this temper for a while and then my sub needed to rest his ass, so we took a break.
I can’t quite remember exactly how I got there but I suddenly knew I was lying along a furry rock. My body didn’t want to move. My mind released all thought and my body released all feeling except for a connectedness, a contentment of just being. For the last hour I had been experiencing everything I wanted… that does something to a person. I could have easily stood up and shaken off the feeling, dismissing it, and carried on as normal, but instead I wanted to embrace the serenity I was experiencing. It was only because of the sub I was with that I felt free to do this.
I sensed him around me, moving, and heard the rustle of bags. He thought I might be experiencing a little sun stroke as we had been out all day. I felt the need to tell him what I was experiencing, though I don’t think I did a very good job, but still, I didn’t care to get up and stop it even though it was within my power.
My sub fed me a banana and I felt him check on me. I didn’t want to worry him so I sat up. A lovely shakiness settled in my body for a while, and I felt soft, weak but safe. Then the moment passed, my sub shook his ass at me and we dived into play again without a second thought.
Perhaps it was the sun, the fresh air or my sub’s warm ass, but something had pushed me over and took me on a gentle journey of losing myself to the moment. It felt like I was being centred, my mind just needed a little time to catch up to having a fantasy fulfilled. But most of all, it felt wonderful to be in the presence of my sub without needing to do anything, to be anything.
I haven’t felt the need to dissect the experience, to understand it, to call it anything, until now. It is something I want to explore more of. I dare not call it Dom space, but I can’t deny that it seems to be whatever the fuck Dom space is. I am certainly determined to find out.